There was a time when I lived my life for everyone but myself. My family is hardcore southern baptist and there's no way in hell MY mother could have a gay child. So, I hid behind long bouts of celibacy and very, very short term relationships with men to please said family. Time passed and I grew older... and more and more bitter at the way my life was unfolding. I became so depressed at one point in time I actually considered ending it permanently. I closeted myself in my apartment, didnt show up for work, didnt answer the phone or the door... in short, I excommunicated myself from everyone and everything I knew in an attempt to reclaim the sanity I was tenuously holding onto.
When my grandmother died two years ago I missed her dearly. When my favourite uncle died two months later I was shocked and grief-stricken but when my favourite cousin, who was only 48 years old, died a month later I came unglued. I was 44 years old. I had been holding onto something that meant absolutely nothing to me. I was holding onto a web of lies that I had carefully woven, myself. I realized suddenly that none of us know when the end will come. For me, the epiphany came when I asked myself, "When my times comes, will I be able to stand up straight, shoulders back and look God smartly in the eye, proud of the life I had lived?" The answer was a resounding NO.
I came out a month later. The weight that was lifted from my shoulders was... well... there's no way to describe what it felt like, but all of a sudden I was alive. For the first time in my life I was alive and happy and, while I was sorry my confession hurt my family, I was not going to hide or be someone I wasnt another day.
This epiphany saved my life. Is that why we have them? Ive had many over the years and each has been as profound as the one before but none as great as this one. I was dying and... now... Im not.